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I have told myself various versions of these lines for most of my life - in school, romantic relationships, healing modalities that will “heal” me or finally “fix” m…

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I heard this philosophy recently on a podcast with Gabby Reese, a former professional volleyball player, best-selling author, and podcast host. She discusses how she always takes initiative, refusing to wait for others to make the first move - striking up a conversation, saying hello, lending a helping hand, speaking up, whenever an opportun…

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I keep thinking to myself - am I harping on this for too long, am I fixating and overanalyzing, is it getting old to others and they don’t want to hear about it anymore? I will clap back with a rebuttal to my internal dialogue: it has been a huge aspect of my identity since I was 13 years old and I have been working towards this dream for 15 years. I dealt with major rejection in Tokyo and an epic failure by all accounts in terms of results in Paris. It’s perfectly fine to analyze every detail for as long as I want because of my long-standing dedication, devotion, and determination surrounding this goal. I’ve dedicated most of my life to this thing and put serious mileage on my body that I cannot expect to move on or heal from it in a few months. That is unrealistic. There is no supplement or quick fix, nor do I desire one. If people are sick of hearing about it, they can kindly tell me or ask for other blog topics!

I digress…

In terms of existential dread, there has been an overwhelming amount of it circulating in my brain. It feels as if I was 18 just yesterday, going to Stanford and being a student-athlete in college. 10 years have passed by and two Olympic cycles later, I am in disbelief that I am almost 30, still playing water polo, and contemplating another Olympic cycle at that. I feel extremely behind in comparison to my peers and friends, who are getting married, have six years of professional experience under their belt, and are having kids. Meanwhile, I am living in my parent’s basement because I cannot afford rent and school. I am also becoming extremely aware of my mortality - seems a bit early to be doing that in my opinion but my brain has a mind of its own - and my loved ones’ mortality as well. I wish I could turn back time and become oblivious once more to these harsh realities of life.

I will say that my mind has ample time to think about these difficult questions because I have a lot of time on my hands. I don’t really have a plan set in place and I am notoriously a plan girl - I thrive off planning. I don’t start school till January and the only thing on the agenda most days is working out and doing odd jobs to make money. There are a lot of unknowns in my future and the uncertainty is unnerving. However, the amazing opportunity I have been given to pause is not lost on me. Instead of wishing the time away, I can simply be in it. Elise Loehnen, podcast host of Pulling The Thread, said that “If you don’t give yourself the pause, the rest, if you don’t marinate in the discomfort of the creative process and you just try to turn it into something you can just get done, you miss it…to just do denies full creative expression or the opportunity for surprises.” Essentially, soak in the boredom and allow the creative process to flow. Pause and see what unearths. I will take advantage of this and every opportunity because you never know what could happen or if it is your last chance.

Another emotion that has been present is anger. More and more, I relate to Anger from Inside Out where he is ready to blow at any moment by any little interaction, slight inconvenience, or injustice. Various communications have caused me anger and frustration and one that specifically comes to mind is my interaction with people surrounding the Olympics. It is the same old song and dance with the same questions and the same rehearsed answers. Someone asks if I went to the Olympics (I figure it is from the USA clothes I wear). I say yes, “How cool! What sport?” Water polo, “Oh! how did you guys do?” We got fourth. “Ugh, so close! But you went! What an amazing experience. Not many people can say they are an Olympian.” I always respond with a half-hearted smile, “Yeah, you are right.” In my head, I am seething in anger. Easy for them to say, they didn’t spend four years training for this tournament. They don’t know all that came with this process or the heartbreak and loss this team experienced. This “good enough” mentality drives me nuts. You made the Olympics! You should feel satisfied enough with that. Of course, I am grateful for the Olympic experience and I am well aware not many people can say they are Olympians. I can be grateful for the opportunity and what I have been given, but I can also be incredibly displeased and unsatisfied. These feelings are not mutually exclusive and don’t need to be enmeshed. I can experience both at once. Their responses make me feel like my feelings are discounted and unjustified, even ungrateful. Like I should be okay with “good enough” or the bare minimum. No, I will not compromise on how I feel or disregard my emotions. I know in my heart that I wanted more and I will not budge on that.

I must admit that I have a terrible relationship with these difficult emotions. Truthfully, I want nothing to do with them. I wish them away because they hinder progress and distract my mind from the “important stuff.” However, these emotions can be our greatest teachers and are present for a purpose. They are the important stuff. Having a better relationship with difficult emotions, letting them exist, and giving them space allows them to show you what you need to change. So, instead of wishing them away, attempting to negotiate with them (great idea), or solving them, I can permit them to be and inquire, “What are you trying to tell me, I am listening, and I love you.”

With the existential dread, anger, and other dense emotions that I am sure will be evoked within me, I can welcome them with open arms as a dear friend and ask them to stay for as long as they need to.

After big competitions and training bouts, your body is begging for rest because of the intense wear and tear. The six-hour-a-day, six-days-a-week training regiment is unsustainable mentally and physically. However, your body grows accustomed to the training volume, intensity, and how you look in the mirror. When that volume and intensity diminish, your mind runs rampant surrounding your appearance (at least in my case). With the lull in training and competition after the Olympics, my body is naturally changing, despite my kicking and screaming. It may be a fraction of an inch or a couple of pounds here and there, but my mind plays tricks on me, making me believe I’ve gained 30 pounds, lost all my muscle, and ballooned in my midsection and thighs. Outsiders will say I look the same, but their external perception is divergent from my own. We are our own worst critics and we tend to berate and nitpick every little detail. Teammates I have talked to about this topic have confirmed they feel similarly about their bodies, giving me comfort in knowing I am not alone and I am not crazy.

There is a dichotomy between needing to exercise more to achieve this elusive “perfect” (there is none) body I experienced during peak moments last year while training, and the inclination to sit on the couch and veg out. In addition, there is also an enigma with wanting to restrict consumption to maintain a certain physique and a yearning to indulge in whatever tickles my fancy. With training as much as we did, there wasn’t a second thought about how much I consumed, a wonderful feeling. The only aspect of food I had to be aware of was timing so I didn’t vomit during workouts. I was a food vacuum - eating whatever I could get my hands on with the only caveat being it had to be healthy. I was actively trying to gain weight to perform to my highest potential but I kept losing weight because of how much we trained. It was incredibly frustrating when I was trying so hard to reach a certain weight during training but I couldn’t because of the volume. Now, I am at my goal weight for competition, but it’s two months too late and in all the wrong places. During this break period, I have noticed myself restricting on things I love, like chocolate croissants, or forcing myself to stop eating for fear of adding inches to my waistline. My current training volume doesn’t feel adequate enough to justify my indulgences. What happens when I retire and stop playing competitively altogether? Will I never allow myself to indulge without incredible guilt and shame?

I am not going to psychoanalyze myself - that is my therapist’s job. However, I do not believe I have a problem yet, but it is a slippery slope. The most important thing is awareness; I am aware of my mental patterns with food and I understand that many individuals go through mental struggles with body image. I begrudgingly acknowledge that peak shape is unsustainable and change is inevitable. Of course I will not maintain the same body composition as I did while training like a mad woman. I must accept that I can’t train as much as we did, and I also have no desire to do that right now.

To eliminate or at least combat the body dissatisfaction, I can actively practice body positivity and simply be kind to the person I see in the mirror. What I am doing now is enough and it is exactly what is needed at this moment in time. I can also make minor tweaks and adjustments to eating habits, not restricting and creating more of a balance in my food consumption (have the chocolate croissant, damn it). Lastly, I can provide self-love and grace during this process. My body inevitably changes and it will take time to adjust. Allow it to change and love the change!

I have talked about this in previous blogs, so it goes without saying that of course I am extremely unsatisfied with the result from the Olympics. I might have felt differently if we weren’t as talented and as prepared as we were. I am not biased ;), but I thought we were the best team and could 100% get the job done.

Furthermore, I need to approach the sport and this cycle from a different angle. If I do this process a third time, I want to do it while living in harmony with my essence and who I am. This starts with metabolizing and processing the events, thoughts, and feelings from the two previous quads. In hindsight, I was a chicken with my head cut off trying to make the team the first quad and then attempting to medal and continue USAWWP’s legacy the second quad. My vision was zoomed in, fixating and obsessing over every minor detail. It would be more advantageous to zoom out, see over the tree line, observe from a higher vantage point, and uncover the bigger picture. If I am going to even consider doing 2028, I strive to zoom out and be more in my body, listening to it and giving it the space to express itself on its needs and desires, not living in a space of what I think I should be doing. My mind can intellectualize and rationalize anything, so I am putting an emphasis on body literacy. I am uncertain what that looks like or the tangible steps to achieving this, but awareness is the first step.

Lastly, as I grapple with this important decision, I am toggling with the feeling of relevancy within my life, an issue we all face at some time or another. Maybe deep down I don’t want to leave sport because I am “relevant” in the field. I am important, my status draws attention from others, and I am depended on. High self-regard and a high level of recognition and acceptance from others creates occupational self-relevance. I reached the pinnacle, the top of my occupation, and I was (and am) recognized as such. Although, being relevant feels like it’s predicated on how many accolades you have accrued over time in the position or role. If I leave my position, my accolades do not necessarily translate. If I retire, I essentially “start over” at the bottom of the totem pole, working my way up the ladder once again. I do love a challenge and leveraging a beginner’s mind, but I have invested so much time and resources into this craft that starting over in another field is daunting. Sport is all I have ever known. Imagining my life after polo, leaving that part of my identity behind, and the fact that I have to start at ground zero and assume the beginner role and may even be dispensable is frightening. A universal question I have been asking is: how does one stay “relevant” amidst the pivots, trials, and tribulations that remain constant throughout one’s human existence?

I landed on a phrase that resonated with this inquiry - creating experiences of mattering throughout life. In order to feel relevant, important, and significant to myself and others, I must foster a life of mattering. According to Zach Mercurio, attention, importance, and dependence are the three ingredients that generate mattering.

Here are the definitions given by Mercurio in his article “The Science of Mattering: Why Feeling Significant is so Significant” (https://www.modernpeople.com.au/articles/the-science-of-mattering-why-feeling-significant-is-so-significant#:~:text=Feeling%20significant%20is%20also%20found,that%20we%20have%20a%20purpose."):

• Attention — the realization that others notice us and that they’re interested in what’s going on in our lives

• Importance — the perception that others care about us and see us as uniquely significant and important

• Dependence — the feeling that someone else relies on us, that we are needed

To be sure, we cannot rely solely on others to be significant or relevant. Self-love is the greatest love of your life. We must receive it from ourselves first. However, mattering to others is essential to our survival. We are a species that if we didn’t belong or fit in to a group, it meant certain death or exile from the pack. We need each other, and a sense of belonging and support. So, finding environments where you thrive and where these three qualities are present and fulfilled is vital to feeling relevant. It is inevitable that I retire from sport, but I pledge that I will create experiences of mattering where I consistently encounter significance and purpose.

A lot of thought and time goes into answering these million-dollar questions and making a four-year commitment. All I know is that whatever path I choose, I am determined to do it the right way, for the right personal reasons. I don’t want to continue playing because I desperately want redemption and a medal. I refuse to renew my contract because of simple dissatisfaction or fear of being no longer significant. I want to make a decision that is in alignment with who I am and live out the choice with a content and happy heart.

Furthermore, my body doesn’t want to train hard or experience any sort of discomfort from exercise. I tried pushing myself, and let’s just say it did not go well. Now that my body is experiencing a well-deserved extended break, it is not motivated to be pushed in any capacity. I could be frustrated by this, or I could give myself grace and learn to be gentle with myself and my current needs. My 37 trillion cells have been working on overdrive for eight years and I am proud of them being the little engines that could, but I don’t need to constantly strive for something. In life, there are necessary hibernation periods. Bears hibernate to survive the turmoil, scarcity, and uncertainty that winter brings. I will be like a bear in hibernation, waiting, recuperating, and regrouping for spring. I can give myself a break without feeling guilt or shame for it. Life is never flat - it ebbs and flows. It moves in phases and seasons. There are times to push and times to conserve. I could try living by the seasons and respecting my body, listening to its quiet voice. I have been incredibly aloof to it because of the circumstance I was in and the goals I set for myself and now I am ready to show it all the love it deserves. I trust the sensations and the emotions I feel and I believe there is a purpose.

During the past eight years, unbeknownst to me, my body has been in fight or flight due to the intensity and volume of training, mixed with team dynamics, and the nuance of my breathing condition. I know other individuals are dealing with situations more extreme and dire than I am, but I am valid to my own experience. The thing is, I was oblivious, or maybe dissociating completely, that these factors were causing my body and mind discomfort. I also thought I was impervious to these stressors due to my cool and calm demeanor towards most obstacles I was confronted with. I dismissed and ignored them, deeming myself strong for doing so. But, the body keeps the score, even if we are unaware of the effects.

I read Bessel van der Kolk’s book The Body Keeps the Score, which “eloquently articulates how overwhelming experiences affect the development of brain, mind, and body awareness, all of which are closely intertwined. The resulting derailments have a profound impact on the capacity for love and work.” Significant overwhelming moments in everyone’s respective human experiences take a toll mentally and physically. Without proper resolution and/or closure, the experiences are trapped within the body. In fact, “according to The Body Keeps the Score, as long as we don't resolve the trauma, the stress hormones that the body secretes to protect itself from danger keep circulating, and the defensive movements and emotional responses that belong to the past traumatic event keep getting replayed in the present.” I believe this taxing environment and my personal struggles created some stressful, overwhelming moments that I neglected and refrained from resolving and I am paying the price for it now. Dealing with wheezing episodes where I felt as if I couldn't breathe multiple times a day for 14 months was stressful and honestly, pretty traumatic for my system. Constantly being uncomfortable in training six hours a day, six days a week is not conducive to a balanced and peaceful life. Being on a team where people you care for are experiencing extreme hardship and sadness is distressing and emotional. Yes there of course should be discomfort to improve adaptability and resilience within the body, but now I know it was too much for my body to handle.

It is time to pause and reflect on the path moving forward and foster more balance in my life. This requires a break from everything aside from my emotional and physical needs and I am so grateful I have the capability to do that. I am in a calibration period towards the next iteration of myself. I am a caterpillar, who will become a cocoon, and will eventually turn into a beautiful butterfly. The cycle continues.

Make sure to find balance within the chaos. Take care of yourself, friends.

Montana was a beautiful space to be following such a stimulating period of time. However, my mind ran rampant with the vacant space in my brain. With the extra time and lack of structure, my mind could overthink every single thing, give in to all anxious thoughts, and succumb to the fear of the unknown and uncertainty. Prior to the Olympics, everything was regimented. There was always a plan and always something on the horizon. I had no time or energy to derail mentally from the task at hand. I had a well-built house with a solid foundation of structure. Now, it feels as if someone burned down the house and I am naked in the living room, unsure of what to do next or how to regain some form of normalcy. I have all the time in the world and the mental space for every thought to pour in. I must embrace it, but it certainly requires some serious adjusting. I also believe these intense emotions can be attributed to withdrawals. As an elite athlete, I am extremely accustomed to pushing my body to its maximum or past it. This type of profession does not give you the luxury to always listen to your body when it is tired, sore, or mildly hurt. If it is a serious injury, then of course we can and should stop. But the listening ear for my body’s signals has been shut off. In this current moment in time, I am not pushing my body, something it has not felt in eight years. I think it is craving what I am not allowing it to do.

Since returning from Montana, I have thought a lot about my conscious and unconscious expectations for the Olympics. What did I expect? Well, since every team since 2000 had podiumed, I think I unconsciously expected us to follow in their footsteps and do the same. I knew we had to work for it, but I subliminally assumed our 15-month grind would pay off in gold. I consciously expected my physical and mental work to be met with success. The physical work was standard across the board for everyone on our team. In other words, everyone did that part and it was involuntary, meaning we didn’t have a choice in what training looked like or if we trained or not (we voluntarily agreed to the journey from the beginning). However, the mental work was on my own accord. I visited my therapist weekly or biweekly and did countless visualisations on my ideal outcome. I listened to hundreds of hours of daily affirmations in my own voice, proclaiming the outcome had already happened and come to fruition. Tara Woodhall, the Olympic champion for the long jump, posted a caption that reminded me of the stuff I did:

“8/08 that’s the day I win the Olympics.” A saying i’ve been saying for MONTHS ever since I found the schedule. Any time the clock says 8:08 i say out loud that that is the day i win the olympics. My journal is filled with affirmations and truths about myself. Filled with goals and dreams. On 8/07 i told myself i will be the Olympic Champion. On 8/08 i told myself you ARE the Olympic Champion. At 20:08pm I began my Journey to the Olympic Gold🎱…I’ve manifested everything i’ve dreamed of and it’s all coming true.”

What am I missing? I did all the same stuff she did, maybe more! Where did I go wrong? You often receive what you think you are deserving of, not what you want or expect. So, did I really believe I was deserving of that golden happy ending? Maybe not. I thought I had healed this part of me, but I guess there is always more work to be done. However, it makes me angry that all of this extra effort was fruitless, in addition to many other things. But that is a topic for another day. Furthermore, fear of something happening and fixating on the fear can often times make it come true. I was so fearful of losing, something that certainly did not serve me.

I hate feeling this way, but I envy the women who came before me. They didn’t have to experience this. However, I am trusting in the plan and that gives me comfort.

Wilderness

It has been a week and a half since Paris and I am trying to navigate the repercussions of such a monumental moment in my athletic career. For the first few days, I laid in bed completely consumed with the tournament's outcome, examining my every action and the endless mental and physical work I had put forth to be a part of such a dissatisfying result. The next few days - which is still occurring as I write this - consisted of an existential crisis where I am questioning my identity, my life’s purpose, and the meaning of my existence, on top of fixating on our Olympic performance. I am noticing myself trying to distract from these things through doom scrolling on Instagram, crushing candy crush levels, and binging Avatar: The Last Airbender. I checked my screen time average for the week I was back at home, and I was alarmed, disgusted, and disturbed by the number - seven hours!!! My brain is attempting to remain busy so there is no standstill long enough to result in reflection or uncomfortable feelings to surface. The last 48 hours have included more physical symptoms of anxiety and stress, like dizziness, chest discomfort/tightness/heaviness, feeling more exhausted than usual, random fear of flying, and hypochondriac tendencies. My body has been in fight or flight and chronic stress for so long that now it doesn’t know what to do with itself or how to function without it. This moment of pause is hard to acclimatize to. My body feels as if it is short-circuiting. I believe these feelings are the same, with or without a medal. Maybe it is just delayed for medalists because of the dopamine high and attention from that. All of these thoughts and feelings are extremely uncomfortable for me, but necessary to address and resolve.

You dream of the moment but fail to envision the aftermath. I certainly did not expect to feel all these things. The aftermath of the Olympics and how I would handle post-Olympic life was an afterthought. I always brushed it off, thinking I would be completely fine and something I would deal with in the far-off, distant future. Honestly, I never thought we would arrive at this point because the training felt never-ending. The training was akin to GroundHog’s Day, the same stuff over and over and over again. Transitions are difficult, but I didn’t forecast or prepare for this.

Looking back, I had no idea the entirety of what I signed up for. It is certainly not for the weak and I was ignorant to all that this journey entailed. I committed to playing in the pinnacle of sport, not the shit that proceeds it. Spectators’ lives immediately move on as soon as Closing Ceremonies conclude. The athletes, on the other hand, have loads of baggage - literally (Thank you Nike, Ralph Lauren, Skims, Oakley, etc.) and figuratively - to unpack from this peak experience. The individuals competing in the Olympics appear invincible and superhuman, but I am here to humanize the Olympic image. This shit is no joke. There is so much that comes with this experience that is rarely discussed, aside from a few articles and an HBO documentary called “The Weight of Gold,” which I will watch when I am ready. The two experiences are completely different and the latter is not taken lightly, but the Olympic aftermath almost feels like returning from war, coming back to this normal “boring” life. Everyone has moved on and forgotten, but you haven’t forgotten. The slow reality of regular life is diametrically opposed to the insane stimulation, excitement, and fandom of the Olympic Games. The effort-to-result ratio is lopsided; the grind to get to the Olympics takes up the overwhelming majority of time. The results or spotlight time is few and far between.

The experience itself is an absolute trip; you are famous for three weeks and receive endless resources, attention, and support, and then it disappears with a snap of a finger. The downfall is like falling from Mt. Everest - abrupt and a steep descent. The Olympic Village doors close and the experience is done cold turkey. The pursuit of the Olympics feels incredibly unhealthy. The sole focus on one thing and achieving this dream allows no time for the possibilities of other interests. Maybe this is the USA approach because I cannot speak for other countries, but it feels like there is no balance to pursuing the Games.

I am asking myself big questions, like “What am I doing with my life? What is the point? Where do I now allocate my attention? What is my purpose and where can I find this deep sense of purpose elsewhere? Where can I match the pursuit of this crazy goal? Get a dog? Have a child? Those are huge commitments…” Achieving this goal does not solve any problems. It does not complete me. Would I have felt complete if we had won or made the podium? Probably not.

If I do LA28, I need to reinvent how I approach it and set myself up better. I must fill the four-year void with meaningful actions and steps toward my future after sport. I cannot put my life on hold again. I cannot have such a healthy imbalance.

Some interesting quotes about the Post-Olympic Blues from two sources:

“Olympians are uniquely at risk for suicide due to a number of toxic factors: a hyper-focus on sports, lack of outside interests and lack of confidence mapping the world beyond one’s sport.”

“Post-Olympic depression is the emotional crash following the physical and mental peak of the Olympic Games. During this time, athletes can experience periods of confusion, loss of purpose, resentment, negative self-worth and emptiness.” 

“Soon the excitement starts to fade, society moves onto the next trending topic and the realization that life hasn’t changed appreciably and their transient status as celebrities didn’t afford them any special treatment at home sinks in.”

(https://news-decoder.com/from-hero-to-zero-overcoming-post-olympic-blues/#:~:text=Post%2DOlympic%20depression%20is%20the,negative%20self%2Dworth%20and%20emptiness.)

“It’s more about making a map of how to get to a destination. Once you get there, it’s like, ‘Now what?’ They’re in a period with no plans and no spectators and they don’t know what to do. Elite athletes are used to having each minute planned every day for years.”

“In some areas of the military, upon returning home, there’s a stop-off before, where individuals are supported to make sense of their experience. We knew that talking it through, understanding and acknowledging emotions that might have come up for them is important before jumping straight in to find life again.”

“At elite sport level, it is common for competitors to have this very high athletic identity. That is all they are,” says Howells. “They’ve sacrificed every other aspect of their identity for the purpose of being an Olympian.”

(https://www.nytimes.com/athletic/5650965/2024/08/11/post-olympic-blues-medal-depression/)

A positive quote my teammate sent me that I liked - “You never know when life is going to line up just perfectly and walk you right into your future”

A caption from the Olympics Instagram that I thought was interesting: “To think every medal reflects a journey of unwavering dedication."If you don’t win a medal, does that mean my journey was not unwavering dedication? Food for thought.

It has been a whirlwind of emotions the last five days. After we lost to Australia in the semifinal, I felt like my body got hit by a semi-truck. I woke up that morning, hoping I only experienced a terrible nightmare. Sadly, that wasn’t the case. I did not want to play another game. I lacked the motivation to pick myself up, dust myself off, and fight for bronze. I couldn’t wrap my brain around the fact that we had lost in such a fashion, knowing how much of a better team we were than our opponent. I did not expect to lose because we are a better team, but it only matters who is better on that particular day. I certainly did not underestimate them because I knew that it would be an extremely difficult game to win, but I had confidence and faith in our ability to be victorious. But, we ended the Gold medal streak. The USA is an Olympic medal-producing factory and we as a country place such high value on gold medals. In fact, the expectation of a lot of USA individual athletes and teams is gold. Anything less than that feels like a failure. Our team had high hopes for gold and our track record at the Olympics would indicate a high likelihood of history repeating itself. But, history only instructs, as our sports psychologist would say.

A friend made a great analogy that allowed me to turn a corner in the day we had to regroup for the bronze medal match. The analogy was:

You birth two twins, and one dies. The one who is alive is suffering because the parents are so filled with grief for their loss. The gold medal baby died - unexpectedly and suddenly. However, the bronze medal baby still lives and is in need of love, attention, and passion. Humans can hold both emotions: grief for the loss and love and excitement for the one who lives. I can hold both feelings - the sadness and grief alongside the passion and excitement for a medal.

I became excited about the bronze game because, in my opinion, it is the hardest medal to win. You are fighting to make it on the podium after a heart-wrenching loss. These types of games show what you’re made of and how mentally strong you are. Honestly, it’s easy to continue winning; it’s way harder to get your heart broken and come back and win. I thought to myself, “How fitting that this team is fighting for the bronze - the grittiest medal - with everything we went through the past year. Let’s go.”

Then, we lost again, placing fourth. Both babies died. We are the only team in USA women’s water polo history since its Olympic inception in 2000 to not medal. Not only did we break the gold streak, we broke the podium streak. I will never forget the last play when Holland went up by 1 goal with 1 second left in regulation and the Dutch coaches’ yellow playbook suspended in midair with a wave of orange erupting from the 15,000 in the stands. I will never forget my shaking body and stomach dropping to the bottom of the pool when the final buzzer went off, knowing it was over. I will never forget the mistakes I made in the last two games where I personally fell short and would do anything to change it. I will never forget all the hard work and the sacrifice this team put forth, with nothing to show for it. Yes, I am aware that it isn’t just about medaling, but that was the goal. We deserved it, especially with everything this group went through, but nothing is guaranteed. It is a hard pill to swallow because of how hard we train in comparison to other teams - we devote a year plus versus the two to seven months opposing teams dedicate to this process. It all feels like a sick joke.

At the end of the day, we blew it, as media platforms and trolls are continuously reminding us. We had it within our grasp, but it was like trying to catch water in your hands, we couldn’t hold on. I felt helpless at the hands of fate. I wish I could go back and be able to do it again, just to be given one more chance. I had envisioned this moment and visualized the outcome for eight years. I visualized my desired outcome for the Olympic tournament, going through every game and every play. I envisioned what the Opening and Closing Ceremonies would be like, how an Olympic medal would feel around my neck, the podium experience, and so much more. The amount of visualizing was sickening. And none of it came to fruition.

This experience feels similar to 2021 when I didn’t make the team, but much much worse. I went back and read the article I had written about being one spot short last quad and it contains a lot of similar feelings (https://www.nbcsports.com/on-her-turf/news/how-it-feels-to-be-the-last-player-cut-from-the-us-olympic-water-polo-team). I’m also receiving similar texts to when I got cut…“I’m so sorry, I’m so proud of you, you should hold your head high for this achievement” etc, etc. The condolences are plentiful. Everyone keeps saying how proud I should be and it’s a unicorn achievement to be an Olympian. To be honest, I don’t think I’ll tell people I even went to the Olympics, and don’t try to convince me otherwise. It is pretty cynical to say, but similar to alternates, no one remembers the non-medalists. We put forth the same amount of sacrifice and effort as the medalist, but we don’t get any recognition because we didn’t podium. When we arrived at LAX, the reporters only wanted the medalists. Volunteers and other individuals were only asking for photos with the medalists. We weren’t given the time of day. I don’t care about any of that stuff, but it is just interesting to witness from the sidelines.

I was one spot short of making the Olympic team last quad. Now, I was one spot short of making the podium. I don’t know if I can subject myself to this process again, but only time will tell. My national team experience is forged out of heartache and grief, with countless instances of failure and few moments of success. However, it has certainly made me strong. Time heals all wounds and I will reach a point of gratitude for my experience someday, but I am not there yet. You don’t always get what you want, but you always get what you need. Life is beating me up now, but this isn’t for nothing. There must be a reason. There has to be a reason. Rejection is redirection. I hope someday I find the silver lining. 

Thank you for following along on my 2024 Olympic journey.

Jordan <3

The Olympic flag landing in LA for LA28.

Onto the Quarterfinals.

The group.

In addition to seeing stars everywhere you look, there are a plethora of other distractions that could deter you from your goals. First off, the sheer amount of gear we received could clothe a small village. Nike, Ralph Lauren, skims, and other sponsors were not stingy with the clothes, hats, mugs, and other items they provided. They took care of us, but it is definitely something that could steal our attention from what’s important. I am a creature of habit at home - I tend to wear the same outfits on rotation as my teammates will tell you. Here, I am attempting to diversify “Le look du jour” (the look of the day) because where else will I wear all this stuff? It takes a few extra brain cells and attention to figure out my outfit for the next day. However, I am aware of this and plan my outfit the night before to minimize decision fatigue. Second, pin trading can make individuals preoccupied. There are so many cool countries with interesting pins and it’s difficult to refrain from asking people to trade pins in the dining hall or walking next to them. On the flip side, it’s a great conversation starter with people you wouldn’t normally talk to. Lastly, it is tempting to explore the Olympic Village and the beautiful, sexy city of Paris. It’s like being a kid in a candy shop; there is a lot of stimulation and new things to do and see everywhere you look. Paris is just a quick Uber or metro away and I’m sure many athletes have already gone and toured around. I’m extremely thankful we came to Paris in May to sightsee so we wouldn’t feel as enticed to leave the Village. All of these can be factors that steal your attention, but only if you let them. It’s vital to stay in your routine and remain focused, despite the pomp and circumstance. We are not here for the fun clothes…we are here to perform our best and to be on the top of the podium. We have to remind ourselves why we are here. Keep the main thing main thing. 

Some things I was surprised by: 

• Everything is free besides the merchandise store. You can order Costa coffee for free, take baguettes and pastries at a bakery in the Village, and there are Michelin star cooks who create amazing dishes daily at a pop-up van. 

• There are lots of activities to do (Photo Booth, free pins if you play a game, arcade-like games, etc)

• This isn’t surprising, but coffee is the world’s love language. There is always a line at Costa Coffee

• I knew this from Santiago, but pin trading is no joke and can be nerve-wracking. There is always the possibility of rejection. Gotta put yourself out there!

Let the Games begin! May the odds be ever in your favor.

Pin collection thus far.

This past week has definitely tested my patience; I want to be in Paris already, get settled into our routine, and be a part of this once-in-a-lifetime event. However, I keep reminding myself to enjoy every moment because the end is near.

With this journey's imminent end drawing closer, I keep receiving pings to remain present. Social media, friends, articles, and other modalities have reminded me to stop and smell the roses and enjoy the moment. Instead of worrying about the next thing on my to-do list or allowing my mind to wander to future concerns, why not soak in what’s occurring right in front of me? For example, why not be entertained by the simple act of packing for an Olympic Games? Why not enjoy the last practice in The United States? It’s time to embrace the moment, surrendering to the present and not wishing it away. If your brain is taking you outside the moment, you are not enjoying the moment. And I want to enjoy every second of these last few weeks. I know for certain there will be times at the Olympics when I want it to end because of intense feelings, uncertainty in the result, and varying degrees of discomfort, but I need to remind myself that I’m so fortunate to be where I am and that it will be over before I know it. Therefore, presence will be a point of emphasis for me during the next three weeks.

In addition to presence, bravery will be another important quality to focus on. Originally, I was thinking I needed to embody fearlessness. Unfortunately, that’s impossible (at least for me). There will always be fear - if there isn’t an element of fear, you aren’t extending yourself outside your comfort zone enough. We are not robots, devoid of emotions. And that’s okay! It’s okay to be uncomfortable, but it’s important not to allow these feelings to hold you back. There must be a certain degree of self-belief and confidence to perform, but going after a dream like this - or any dream - conjures up fear. So, instead of being fearless, I want to be brave. And you know what? Exciting things happen when we are brave. Bravery opens new opportunities and possibilities. Amazing things happen when people are brave.

What a wonderful adventure we are about to embark on together! How exciting is it that we get the chance to go after this dream? So few have this opportunity.

Au revoir! See you in Paris!

Nike Welcome Experience! Posing for the shot.

We’re close to putting into practice all that we’ve been working on for the last year. It is a scary notion that all the hard work comes down to one moment, but that is what we signed up for. High risk brings the biggest rewards and the most beautiful, awe-stricken moments. We have been preparing for this and are eagerly waiting to “let it rip.” It is important to note that although it is “The Olympics,” we don’t want to allow the moment to become too big. We are playing the game we have always played. The rules are the same. The opponents are the same. The goals and framework of the pool are the same. It is finally time to enjoy all the hay we have been storing in the barn.

To be sure, there will certainly be more distractions since it is one of the biggest sporting events in the world. It is vital to keep the main thing the main thing and focus on our goals, while also having fun and embracing the moment. It is a balancing act. In addition to distractions, there will also be many intense emotions to navigate and work through. We must prepare for all possibilities because it would be naive to think we can avoid emotions. They are oftentimes inescapable, something many people fear. Instead of seeing emotions as foes and trying to get rid of them, we can see them as friends who are providing us with information and guidance.

For instance, fear is an emotion that strikes many athletes - fear of the “what ifs” and the uncontrollables, fear of failure, fear of success, fear of embarrassment, the list goes on. We always think of ways to avoid fear or get rid of fear, but fear is actually something that serves us. Its purpose is to protect us and to keep us safe. Its intentions are pure and its objective is not to annoy us or cause problems. Therefore, I wonder what it would be like to reframe fear and view it as a resource rather than a hindrance. We can accept the fear because it is valid, but maybe we can somehow consciously and subconsciously train ourselves to say it’s purposeful and push past the fear, trusting everything will still be okay. Emotions are friends, not foes.

Enjoy the moment.

Prior to our first official game in San Diego, Jill Ellis, two-time World Cup champion coach of the USA women’s soccer team (USWNT), graciously came to speak to the group. Before she retired from the national team circuit in 2019, she was one of the winningest coaches in the program. She was the USWNT coach from 2014 to 2019 and won the 2015 and 2019 World Cups as the head coach. Pretty successful track record. She also coached at University of Illinois for one season (1997-1998) and UCLA for 12 seasons (1999-2010), and is currently the President of the San Diego Wave FC.  

I had never been more engaged in a Q&A session with an individual - and I’m usually extremely present and focused when someone is speaking. She had an infectious charisma and a plethora of knowledge and wisdom to share with the group. She utilized some wonderful metaphors and personal stories to make us remember what she had to say. Everyone was leaning in, hanging onto her every word. We could have kept asking her questions for hours if there were no time constraints. We had a game to play, after all :) I could relay the entire interview with her because it was that good, but I’ll include some of my highlights.  

1. Opinions

Once you reach a certain level, everyone will have advice and input. Jill emphasized that the opinions you don’t actively seek out do not matter. It is difficult to shut off the noise from exterior voices, but realistically, the only opinions that hold weight are the people in the day-to-day grind with you. Coaching staff and teammates are the only people whose words deserve notice. Those you love will also have opinions - family and close friends - but it’s vital to manage their expectations and not take their words to heart if they don’t resonate.

2. Control the internal, Manage the external

I cannot articulate exactly her point on this, but I interpreted it as the only thing you can control is yourself and the way you approach a task. Externals are completely outside of your jurisdiction, so mentally managing them is all you can do. It is a waste of time, energy, and brainpower trying to manipulate externals. You will drive yourself insane attempting to change something outside yourself. Therefore, focus on YOU and don’t worry or concern yourself with things outside of your control.

3. USA Pressure

Whether we like it or not, the three letters on our jerseys or swimsuits automatically bring pressure. Yes, other teams feel pressure, but we live in it every single day. Women’s water polo in particular has had a lot of success over the last 24 years. With success comes expectation, breeding further pressure and possible stress. However, you can use success as a strength, allowing it to give you confidence in your abilities. You’ve tasted victory before, why couldn’t you do it again? The task at hand is the same at every level, there are just more eyes watching. It is a privilege to sit in this pressure, so we run toward it and embrace it as a dear friend.

4. Elite Mindset

Ellis discussed a championship mindset and how the elites separate themselves by never being satisfied with good enough or indulging in complacency. The elites are constantly finding marginal gains in how to improve. They don’t want to be good; they want to be great. If you rest on your laurels, you could be passed up by someone hungrier than you are. She said, “You can’t sit on the right track or you will get run over.” In other words, even if you are going in the right direction, you must continue to improve, move forward, and maintain the gap from other people or they will surpass you. Staying better than everyone and keeping that gap from other teams when you’re on top is difficult, but not impossible, to maintain with humility and hunger. Humility to know success is not guaranteed and we must work for it just as much, or more, than everyone else. Just like Mount Everest, it is very difficult to get to the top and it is not natural to remain at the top and sustain success. We want to climb the mountain again and feel the top for just a short moment once more. We are hungrier than ever.

Bonus - she expressed how important self-belief is to success. The best of the best have a deep unwavering self-belief that they can achieve whatever they set their mind to. Gotta believe in yourself and those around you!

Team with Jill.

Finally, in relation to the absence of an arrival destination, with five weeks till the commencement of the Olympic Games, you might think there isn’t much to improve on. Oh, on the contrary, my dear reader. We are never the finished product, which is a beautiful thing. Despite being so close to the biggest tournament of our athletic careers, there are plenty of avenues to grow in - mentally, physically, emotionally. We can even get better while we are at the Olympics! Even till the last game! I guess we are the finished product when it’s all said and done when the final buzzer sounds at our last game. Until then, we are nowhere near the finished product. We have been in full-time training since May 19th, 2023 and yet there is much more work to be done. It is an exciting, yet daunting, reality that the job is never finished.

Italy comes next week for common training, another exciting opportunity to grow on our quest for excellence.