Phases and Stages

Bonus #3

As you all know, I’m attempting to calibrate to the current circumstances of my existence, navigating the foreign terrain as it unfolds. New downloads and insights are brought to my attention daily from my mind, body, and external environment. A recent revelation is my body rejecting the exercise that has been the very foundation of my fitness for so long. I cannot even look at a pool without a wash of anxiety crashing into my awareness. I’ve forced myself to play some harmless master’s water polo on the weekends, but the mysterious aches and pains I feel while playing may be my body communicating that it may be wise to veer in another direction. Maybe I become a crossfitter or a yogi. Regardless of the modality of fitness, I need to change the routine because my body is craving something different and I am now in a position to answer the call.

Furthermore, my body doesn’t want to train hard or experience any sort of discomfort from exercise. I tried pushing myself, and let’s just say it did not go well. Now that my body is experiencing a well-deserved extended break, it is not motivated to be pushed in any capacity. I could be frustrated by this, or I could give myself grace and learn to be gentle with myself and my current needs. My 37 trillion cells have been working on overdrive for eight years and I am proud of them being the little engines that could, but I don’t need to constantly strive for something. In life, there are necessary hibernation periods. Bears hibernate to survive the turmoil, scarcity, and uncertainty that winter brings. I will be like a bear in hibernation, waiting, recuperating, and regrouping for spring. I can give myself a break without feeling guilt or shame for it. Life is never flat - it ebbs and flows. It moves in phases and seasons. There are times to push and times to conserve. I could try living by the seasons and respecting my body, listening to its quiet voice. I have been incredibly aloof to it because of the circumstance I was in and the goals I set for myself and now I am ready to show it all the love it deserves. I trust the sensations and the emotions I feel and I believe there is a purpose.

During the past eight years, unbeknownst to me, my body has been in fight or flight due to the intensity and volume of training, mixed with team dynamics, and the nuance of my breathing condition. I know other individuals are dealing with situations more extreme and dire than I am, but I am valid to my own experience. The thing is, I was oblivious, or maybe dissociating completely, that these factors were causing my body and mind discomfort. I also thought I was impervious to these stressors due to my cool and calm demeanor towards most obstacles I was confronted with. I dismissed and ignored them, deeming myself strong for doing so. But, the body keeps the score, even if we are unaware of the effects.

I read Bessel van der Kolk’s book The Body Keeps the Score, which “eloquently articulates how overwhelming experiences affect the development of brain, mind, and body awareness, all of which are closely intertwined. The resulting derailments have a profound impact on the capacity for love and work.” Significant overwhelming moments in everyone’s respective human experiences take a toll mentally and physically. Without proper resolution and/or closure, the experiences are trapped within the body. In fact, “according to The Body Keeps the Score, as long as we don't resolve the trauma, the stress hormones that the body secretes to protect itself from danger keep circulating, and the defensive movements and emotional responses that belong to the past traumatic event keep getting replayed in the present.” I believe this taxing environment and my personal struggles created some stressful, overwhelming moments that I neglected and refrained from resolving and I am paying the price for it now. Dealing with wheezing episodes where I felt as if I couldn't breathe multiple times a day for 14 months was stressful and honestly, pretty traumatic for my system. Constantly being uncomfortable in training six hours a day, six days a week is not conducive to a balanced and peaceful life. Being on a team where people you care for are experiencing extreme hardship and sadness is distressing and emotional. Yes there of course should be discomfort to improve adaptability and resilience within the body, but now I know it was too much for my body to handle.

It is time to pause and reflect on the path moving forward and foster more balance in my life. This requires a break from everything aside from my emotional and physical needs and I am so grateful I have the capability to do that. I am in a calibration period towards the next iteration of myself. I am a caterpillar, who will become a cocoon, and will eventually turn into a beautiful butterfly. The cycle continues.

Make sure to find balance within the chaos. Take care of yourself, friends.

Photo by Alfred Schrock on Unsplash