Processing Continues
Bonus #2
The unraveling process of this experience annoyingly takes time. The web of emotions is complex, intricate, interwoven into my conscious and subconscious. I know better than to shove it down and avoid whatever surfaces, but sometimes I wish I didn’t have to deal with any of it at all.
Montana was a beautiful space to be following such a stimulating period of time. However, my mind ran rampant with the vacant space in my brain. With the extra time and lack of structure, my mind could overthink every single thing, give in to all anxious thoughts, and succumb to the fear of the unknown and uncertainty. Prior to the Olympics, everything was regimented. There was always a plan and always something on the horizon. I had no time or energy to derail mentally from the task at hand. I had a well-built house with a solid foundation of structure. Now, it feels as if someone burned down the house and I am naked in the living room, unsure of what to do next or how to regain some form of normalcy. I have all the time in the world and the mental space for every thought to pour in. I must embrace it, but it certainly requires some serious adjusting. I also believe these intense emotions can be attributed to withdrawals. As an elite athlete, I am extremely accustomed to pushing my body to its maximum or past it. This type of profession does not give you the luxury to always listen to your body when it is tired, sore, or mildly hurt. If it is a serious injury, then of course we can and should stop. But the listening ear for my body’s signals has been shut off. In this current moment in time, I am not pushing my body, something it has not felt in eight years. I think it is craving what I am not allowing it to do.
Since returning from Montana, I have thought a lot about my conscious and unconscious expectations for the Olympics. What did I expect? Well, since every team since 2000 had podiumed, I think I unconsciously expected us to follow in their footsteps and do the same. I knew we had to work for it, but I subliminally assumed our 15-month grind would pay off in gold. I consciously expected my physical and mental work to be met with success. The physical work was standard across the board for everyone on our team. In other words, everyone did that part and it was involuntary, meaning we didn’t have a choice in what training looked like or if we trained or not (we voluntarily agreed to the journey from the beginning). However, the mental work was on my own accord. I visited my therapist weekly or biweekly and did countless visualisations on my ideal outcome. I listened to hundreds of hours of daily affirmations in my own voice, proclaiming the outcome had already happened and come to fruition. Tara Woodhall, the Olympic champion for the long jump, posted a caption that reminded me of the stuff I did:
“8/08 that’s the day I win the Olympics.” A saying i’ve been saying for MONTHS ever since I found the schedule. Any time the clock says 8:08 i say out loud that that is the day i win the olympics. My journal is filled with affirmations and truths about myself. Filled with goals and dreams. On 8/07 i told myself i will be the Olympic Champion. On 8/08 i told myself you ARE the Olympic Champion. At 20:08pm I began my Journey to the Olympic Gold🎱…I’ve manifested everything i’ve dreamed of and it’s all coming true.”
What am I missing? I did all the same stuff she did, maybe more! Where did I go wrong? You often receive what you think you are deserving of, not what you want or expect. So, did I really believe I was deserving of that golden happy ending? Maybe not. I thought I had healed this part of me, but I guess there is always more work to be done. However, it makes me angry that all of this extra effort was fruitless, in addition to many other things. But that is a topic for another day. Furthermore, fear of something happening and fixating on the fear can often times make it come true. I was so fearful of losing, something that certainly did not serve me.
I hate feeling this way, but I envy the women who came before me. They didn’t have to experience this. However, I am trusting in the plan and that gives me comfort.
Wilderness